The shady groves of old academe ain’t what they used to be.

As if we didn’t have enough to befuddle our wine-tasting brains, what with malolactic fermentation and cork taint, pH (without the D) and volatile acidity, now we’re factoring in cognitive priming theory when taking a little sip. Alongside Robert Parker and Marvin Shanken, let’s list British psychologist Adrian North when evaluating wines. He got the happy assignment from a Chilean wine producer to cajole a couple hundred students into tasting wine while listening to music.

There are those who may ask why, but do we need a reason? It’s Friday afternoon, why not? But seriously—and let nobody say the world of wine isn’t serious—North’s study revealed that people’s ratings of a wine changed by as much as 60 percent depending on the music they listened to while sipping.

According to a press release, the study cued up four different types of music: “powerful and heavy” (like Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana); “subtle and refined” (Tchaikovsky’s waltz from The Nutcracker); “zingy and refreshing” (“What’s Love Got to Do With It” by Tina Turner); and “mellow and soft” (“Slow Breakdown” by Michael Brook).

Chardonnay was ranked 40 percent more zingy and refreshing when that type of music hit the ear, but a mere 26 percent more mellow and soft when a tune from that category was heard. Cabernet’s taste was perceptibly altered 25 percent by fresh and mellow sounds, but 60 percent by powerful, heavy material.

A sample playlist evolved for Cabernet Sauvignon that included the Rolling Stones’ “Honky Tonk Women” and the Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again”. For Syrah, it was Puccini’s “Nessun Dorma”, Enya’s “Orinoco Flow”, and the Chariots of Fire theme. Merlot got everything from Otis Redding to Lionel Richie to Eva Cassidy.

The winery that commissioned the study is Chile’s Montes, which has a Chardonnay and a handful of reds listed in B.C. (including a not inappropriately labelled Folly 2005, which costs $87.95—doubtless in small part to offset the cost of the study!). The new marketing strategy for these wines includes the aforementioned cognitive priming theory, wherein music is thought to set up the brain to respond to wine in a certain manner.

Conclusion? “Wine manufacturers could recommend that while drinking a certain wine, you should listen to a certain sort of music,” North said in the press release.

I’ll have a fair bit of free time on my hands come September; maybe Mission Hill or Jackson-Triggs or another of the B.C. biggies would like to support me contributing to research in this field. We could expand the database to include country, hip-hop, baroque concertos, yodelling …

Like, who else can afford the stuff?

The grand old gents of the world’s oldest rock ’n’ roll band must surely have a hefty supply of metformin in the bandbox; the Rolling Stones have gone and inked a deal with B.C. wine producer Ex Nihilo Vineyards—a licensing partnership, no less—for a limited-edition (aren’t they all?) icewine labelled Sympathy for the Devil.

Total output is 222 cases, each one hand-numbered but probably not hand-signed. (At least, the information I got didn’t say anything about it.) Asking price? About $125 per bottle and, if they follow industry fashion, those will be no bigger than 375-millilitre bottles. (Some B.C. icewine producers are even selling 200-millilitre ones.)

Future plans apparently call for Rolling Stones red and white table wines. They join a growing list of celebrity wines from the likes of Bob Dylan, Paris Hilton, and Mario Andretti, along with Canadians Wayne Gretzky (his isn’t being sold in B.C. yet, but is bound to come), Dan Aykroyd, and Mike Weir.

Keep it tuned here for more. What other wine column do you know of that makes two references to the Rolling Stones in the space of one week?

Bartender, make it one more for the road and another brew for the bitch!

Australians can now share a brewski with their best buddy: Elise Schumacher decided to brew Dog Beer after watching her duo lap it up every chance they got.

Dogs apparently love real beer, but it’s bad for their health: the hops can lead to seizures and the carbonation can be deadly. What do dogs like, besides beer? Just substitute one letter—beef. So Schumacher brewed it with bones and other ingredients so that it tastes like beef and smells like beer but doesn’t contain any alcohol.

Supposedly, some dog-friendly cafés in Australia carry it. Imagine such a concept—a dog-friendly café. Why, it’s positively French!

I guess you’d have to add one more piece of ID to your wallet, in case the dog gets carded.

Next time we meet here, I’ve got news of a new vodka for you, a vodka that’s so ecocorrect it’s practically a religious experience. Put it all down to selfless research, or the fact that we’re heading into the slow-news days of summer. Like the dog days.