News for Youse: Peter MacKay buys your love for a tiny fraction of $10 billion

There are a lot of things happening today in the world of stuff. Let’s begin with a favourite of the News for Youse team—the ongoing F-35 scandal. Some readers might have noticed Peter MacKay’s weaselly attempt to slip a “support the troops”–type appeal into his bogus rap on Question Period last weekend.

"I've acted in good faith, always with an eye to providing the men and women in uniform with the best equipment that we can possibly get," he said, wiping a glycerine tear from his eye and saluting the flag during a half-assed performance on the CTV show.

Today, the defence minister called his other ass cheek into service, announcing a $113-million increase to the Canadian Forces Long Term Disability program. That’s a relatively minuscule cost to make people feel a little better about the $10 billion he lied about, but then the Harper government has always prided itself on fiscal responsibility.

In related news, protests prompted by a $6.7-million budget cut to the NFB continue in Montreal. The funding slash will cost the film board 73 jobs, the loss of screening rooms in Montreal and Toronto, and—perhaps most tragically—the reduction of Norman McLaren’s classic short Pas de Deux to a cost-saving Pas de Un.

In Toronto, the results of a four-year study into the effectiveness of proposed safe injection sites will be released today. The probe was requested by the City of Toronto, presumably because 20-plus peer-reviewed studies noting the success of Vancouver’s InSite mean nothing compared to the political gains derived from riling up church ladies and 65-year-old white males over an imaginary “controversy.”

Here in Vanstupid, meanwhile, commuters are eagerly awaiting TransLink’s decision today regarding a 12.5 percent increase in fares—a decision that could mean the difference between passengers not paying $2.75 for a one-zone ride on the 99 B-Line instead of not paying $2.50.

Finally, Matt Groening has provided the answer to a mystery that has plagued mankind since the dawn of the Fox network—where is Springfield? Turns out that the Simpsons creator and Portland native was thinking of tiny Springfield, Oregon when he conceived the show back in the ‘80s. Speaking to reporters, one delighted resident of the small town remarked, “Wow, yes, The Simpsons has definitely been on for about 15 seasons too many.”