News for Youse: Montreal beats Vancouver in May Day's best of show, plus the FBI foils more of its own plots

“May Day! May Day! Officers, hurry! Some... hippies are lighting a fire. IN THE STREET.” This is the transcription from the fictional phone call to 911 about 60 protesters at Commercial and Charles last night who did indeed light a small fire in the intersection. Great job, guys! You gave the VPD an excuse to break out its riot gear and crack some heads. Well, okay, maybe no heads were cracked and the crowd dispersed peacefully. Whatever.

All we have to say is, c’mon, that’s the best you could do? In Vancouver, a city known for being unreasonably riotous at the drop of a puck, you couldn’t muster up a knocked-over newspaper box or even one broken window? Frankly, this is embarrassing. Did you see what happened in Seattle? Windows? Smashed. Buildings? Vandalized. In Montreal, over a hundred people were arrested and they even busted out the Molotov cocktails. Hell, there were even riots in Portland, Oregon. God, Vancouver. You’ve gone soft on us.

Can we hear it for Nik Wallenda? The seventh-generation daredevil has successfully circumnavigated 100-year-old laws in both Canada and the U.S. to be able to—drumroll, please—walk across Niagara Falls on a tightrope on June 15. We have so many questions. Will there be a Customs booth on one end so he can declare any goods taken across the border? How much time and money did it cost both governments to grant this one-time-only permit? And don’t people have anything better to do with their time? However, a study says this will be a $120-million boost for the local economy, which we are assuming has fallen on hard times, as we don’t know a whole lot of people who are really into kitschy hotels that permanently smell damp anymore.

A New Jersey woman has been charged with child endangerment after subjecting her poor, defenceless daughter to the cruellest of all mistresses: a tanning booth. After the five-year-old showed up at school with burns and presumably a ruddy orange hue, the administration called the police. The tanning salon was not aware of the mother’s actions, saying that she snuck her daughter into a stand-up tanning bed without staff knowledge. The only comfort here is that tanning beds are apparently not rigged with security cameras like we assumed they would be.

Part of us just shrugs at this whole hullabaloo. It’s just a little tanning, right? Then again, maybe those 18 episodes of Toddlers and Tiaras we’ve watched in the past 48 hours have now permanently altered our brain.

Do you remember yesterday when we were talking about how the FBI is exceedingly excellent at defusing terrorist activities that they helped to engineer in the first place? Well, looks like they’re at it again. Five CRAZY ANARCHISTS men were arrested for allegedly plotting to blow up a bridge. Now, the men may have come up with the dastardly plan all by themselves, but who sold them $900 of C-4? Oh, just a little undercover officer from an entity known as the FBI. So, there’s that.

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