News for Youse: Brian McKnight’s ode to porno possesses airiness of Debussy

It’s his way of saying, “Thank you.” After becoming an unlikely YouPorn hero with his female ejaculation instructional, “If You’re Ready to Learn”, silky R&B star Brian McKnight has poured his impressive melisma all over a new track dedicated to the free hardcore sex tube.

“If you like big titties, and asses in your face,” sings McKnight, “head on over to YouPorn.”

Okay, that’s a bit redundant since you would have headed on over to YouPorn to hear the track in the first place, which features McKnight’s anal glide-like vocals over a montage of clips featuring Kristina Rose and Chayse Evans among others—but anyway.

Actually, you might have gotten wind of McKnight’s latest act of self-sabotaging madness if you spent any time over at TMZ or D-Listed, where they’re stringing the offices with bunting and cracking Baby Shams over the man’s ongoing assault on decency and his own career.

Or perhaps you subscribe to 1814 dreadyhead’s red hot news bulletin service, where he delivered this scorching editorial on YouTube’s craven decision to pull the McKnight number, popularly referred to as “The Anal Song”.

All controversy aside, it’s a great piece of music, built around a fluttering and weightless synth figure that recalls Delius or Debussy, although “The Anal Song” lacks the lyrical invention that Mozart brought to his YouPorn anthem, “Leck mich im Arsch”.

If you’re wondering why News for Youse is making a comfortable if sticky bed for itself inside the world of celebrity bullshit this morning—well, the alternative is a whack-load of suicidally depressing news about our government’s pathologically stupid resistance to incipient runaway climate change. And who wants that?

We’ll stick with Charlie Sheen’s brand of pathological stupidity, now that he’s returned to “classic form” (their words) when asked by TMZ about his and Brooke Mueller’s shit-obvious relapse into cocaine-psychosis.

“I can't speak to anyone's opinion or judgement,” Sheen responded.

“I was there

they were not.

their tepid

hearsay is a baseless

static drone.

a mantra.

their theme.

I refuse to be held hostage by their 'constitutional'

privelidge,

to judge those

who can and who do.

nabobs.

CS.”

At least there’s a certain viciously poetic drift to Sheen’s insanity.