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At the risk of being overdramatic, not since Thomas Crapper invented the ballcock has one man been so seemingly enthralled with his toilet. Or, in the case of every woman’s secret worst nightmare DJ Khaled, four of them. 

This week Christmas came early for the man born Khaled Mohammed Khaled. Taking to Instagram, the 47-year-old rapper, DJ, actor, broadcaster, record producer, furniture designer, and outspoken critic of bikini burgers, revealed that no less than Jimmy Brooks from Degrassi: The Next Generation had gifted him a fleet of toilets. 

First off, don’t judge. Unless, that is, you’re judging Khaled on his beliefs that oral sex is meant to be a one-way street, which is to say he’s a hardcore believer that it’s always better to receive than to give. Seriously dude, either get down there and get busy or put your pecker back in your pants. 

That outrage out of the way, some people give liquor, records, kittens, glassware, and boxes of stupidly delicious After Eight mint chocolates for the holiday season. Others evidently give shitters. 

Except in this case the toilets were of the Rolls-Royce variety. 

Hip-hop fans across the world know Jimmy Brooks better as Aubrey Graham. Or, more succinctly, Drake—aka the most famous urban music star in Canada not named the Weeknd (that’s not a typo—it’s how his stage name is spelled). Famous folks often tend to run in the same circles so it’s no surprise that, despite being from the country rated the fourth most-uncool on the planet, Drake has found a friend and admirer in DJ Khaled, whose involvement with Terror Squad made him the coolest person in that group not named Fat Joe or Big Pun. 

But we’re getting off track here. Back to toilets. 

According to Khaled, who could likely wipe his ass with $100 dollar bills from now until death and still die a multi-millionaire, Drake ponied up for four TOTO toilets. What’s that you say? As every Home Depot frequent flyer knows, you can pick up a TOTO Drake 2-Piece 1.28 GPF Single Flush Elongated Toilet in Cotton White for $464, including free shipping? And, as a meta-like bonus, said toilet has “Drake” stamped on the box? Correct.

But just as not all hip-hop artists—hello, Machine Gun Kelly, P. Diddy, and Shorty Shitstain—are not created equal, neither are TOTO toilets. 

Cleary geared towards Powerball winners, Middle East oil sheiks, and the germaphobe ghost of Howard Hughes, the TOTO Neorest 750H Toilet carries a $10,000 price tag, with bang for one’s buck starting with the fact that the thing actually cleans itself. Making it a far better partner than your partner. 

We’re assuming that’s what Drake gave Khaled. 

Proving there’s a website for everything, the review site toiletfound.com describes the high-priced dumper as a “new toilet experience for the fastidious toilet goers.” (As opposed to, you know, those who are happy using toilet paper, newspapers, stray socks, tin foil, or the family cat). 

Clearly every bit as excited about the TOTO Neorest 750H Toilet as DJ Khaled, toiletfound.com goes on to gush, “The toilet comes with a sleek remote control with options to control the cleaning wand. You can choose how water is sprayed onto your rear – temperature, pressure, front and rear cleansing, and even position. Heck, if you are still not happy with how it treats your rear, there are the oscillating and pulsating spray mode for some ‘hardcore’ cleaning.”

Khaled is obviously a man who loved nothing more than a good “hardcore” cleaning. 

In his Instagram post, he looks like a kid who’s not only just got an Xbox Series for Christmas, but also a PlayStation 5, Nintendo Switch, Sega Genesis Mini, and mint-condition Ultra Pong Doubles consoles by Atari.

With what seems to be his wife feeding him lines offscreen, Khaled lists off the endless features of his new TOTO toilets, eventually revealing that his post-four-cups-of-coffee-and-three bowls-of-Raisin-Bran morning ritual is where he meditates and reflects on life. Which, one supposes, is more spiritual than desperately attempting to crack one off between rounds of Candy Crush Saga. 

Khaled then reveals, stream of consciousness-style, “Me and my queen been talking about getting TOTOS for the whole house….[Drake] gifted us a few of these TOTO toilet bowls….I ain’t try it yet, but I’m hearing there’s some music involved.”

Yes, indeed, there are going to be mornings where there is “music” involved. Which is why, out of common courtesy, you always turn on a tap. 

The upshot here? That’s easy—you know how some people are almost impossible to buy for at Christmas, mostly because they already have everything? Drake has just shown us that, if you try hard enough, you can always make that special person in your life happy. Even if the last thing you walk around thinking while Christmas shopping is “You know what would look really great under the tree this year? A toilet.” 

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