Starring Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, John Goodman, and Susan Sarandon. Rated PG.

Have you ever wondered whether any of your tender neural wiring has been irrevocably damaged by certain illicit substances you just may have put into your personal temple over the years? You can experience that exact fear of irreversible impairment both during and after watching Speed Racer.

You could say Matrix makers Andy and Larry Wachowski crafted a kiddie movie this time. So, if you and your child don’t already have ADHD, this could be a fun opportunity to trigger it together. For 135 minutes, all your favourite Kool-Aid colours will be imprinted on your retinas and you’ll get a hemorrhage-inducing ice-cream headache. Plus, you’ll swear you keep seeing a chimpanzee. Wait, it is a chimpanzee!

The human actors inside this video game make sincere efforts, rendering it all the more painful to see Susan Sarandon acting with a primate. Sarandon plays Mom in the Jetsons-meets-Cleavers Racer family, which includes race-car maker Pops (John Goodman) and sons Rex (Scott Porter) and Speed (Emile Hirsch)—until Rex disappears in a mysterious crash. Years later, Speed straps into a Mach 5 and Rex is replaced by chubby little brother Spritle (Paulie Litt) and, yes, Chim Chim. Chimp and child get into scrapes so irritating you want to strangle yourself. Christina Ricci is desexualized as Speed’s cutesy girlfriend, Trixie, and Matthew Fox plays mysterious Racer X in a tight leotard.

There’s racing, but the cars do endless impossible things in endless indistinguishable races. There’s more drama in watching toddlers with Hot Wheels. Speed is wooed by a corporate sleazebag (Roger Allam) and there’s good-guys-versus-cheaters stuff, but you just want to open the passenger door and fling yourself out.