Weirded out

posted May 8th, 2024 at 5:34 AM

This is making me really uncomfortable…my former spouse and I had a fairly amicable divorce, and both of us moved on with new partners. We share children and as a result we occasionally find ourselves in the same place during special celebrations for birthdays, etc. The thing is that I’ve caught them staring at me several times, almost oblivious to the fact that their new partner is right there and it’s in full view of everyone else. It’s almost like they don’t know they’re doing it or something, and they’ll stare for an extended period of time, like much longer than just a glance. There’s no real expression on their face, just this intense stare. It’s weird because we’ve been apart for about 10 years already and when we split up it was a mutual agreement. I feel like if I say something they’ll just deny it or I’ll be accused of imagining it (a lot of that behaviour during our marriage), but I know what I’ve seen and it’s really weirding me out. My own partner hasn’t mentioned anything so I don’t know if they just haven’t noticed, and I’m not going to say anything about it to them because I don’t want to start anything. I just don’t understand why they’re doing it.

6 Comments

Be upfront

May 8, 2024 at 11:57am

You should ask your former why they continue staring you down and tell them directly to stop it because all you can think about is them staring. Just tell that person straight.

conflicted

May 8, 2024 at 4:21pm

sometimes one of the person moves on much more than the other. or at different rates. if you instigated the break up, you may be at a different place than they are. I've known lots of amicable parents where one has a long lasting relationship and the other cycles. Having said that, if they're being a good parent and respectful in that way, winning those battles are more for your kids stability and that sh*t pays off down the road. co-parenting is a bitch that ebbs and flows non stop.

I wonder

May 8, 2024 at 5:52pm

Sometimes I catch myself looking at a friend I’m comfortable with, am reminded of a memory, and become lost in thought without realizing where my eyes are. I can’t help but wonder if this could be the same. I wonder where they go.

Anonymous

May 9, 2024 at 8:21am

I can see why this makes you uncomfortable. You say you split 10 years ago? It could be that he is looking at you and remembering the days you were together. My ex and I have a similar thing to you - apart for 15 years, sharing kids (pretty much adults now), new partners, occasionally having to get together to deal with kid-stuff - and I sometimes find myself looking at her and having flashes of memories of our years together. As your kids get older, you may not have to deal with your ex so much (although I guess graduations, marriages, grandkids are always possibilities). Anyway, sounds like he may be having some sort of early mid-life feelings - hopefully they screw off soon and you don't have to deal with the staring for much longer. All that being said, if he has a history of being manipulative and emotionally abusive, you should maybe start to keep a journal and be extra-aware of your kids' behaviours and comments. Trust your gut if it's telling you that something is really "off"...