This one was supposed to be easy. Make a joke about how one dude comes from a long gang-banging background in Compton, and the other hails from the mean streets of Degrassi: The Next Generation. 

Note how one grew up on welfare and food stamps in Section 8 housing, witnessing his first fatal drive-by shooting at age five. And the other spent his teen years in Toronto’s upscale Forest Hill ’hood, where residents over the years have included Saturday Night Live svengali Lorne Michaels, theatre mogul David Mirvish, Rogers communications founder Ted Rogers, and Loblaws billionaire Galen Weston. 

Mention that one combatant is famous for a weird-looking beard that appears like it was purchased at a Bramalea costume store, and glued on with Elmer’s Rubber Cement. (Honesty—Google it, top hits including “The Internet Is 99.9% Sure That Drake’s Beard Is Fake And The Evidence Is SHOCKING.”) The other is famous for all-natural-looking effortlessly cool dreads that poor wig-wearing Adam Duritz would give his left, and possibly right, nut for. 

The easiest part of it all? That would be dragging the issue of dick size into the game, for no other reason that at some point Drake could use a win. Because he sure wasn’t getting many this past week in his high-profile Twitter beef with legitimate rap superstar Kendrick Lamar.

On that last note, in the To Pimp a Butterfly corner, we’ve got a dude who once rapped, “I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower.” Like Martin Luther King, the man clearly has a dream. 

On the Champagne Papi side of the ledger, let’s just say if the internet is to be believed, the hip-hop player born Aubrey Drake Graham is swinging some serious pipe.

Remember last February's NSFW video, which appeared to show Toronto’s most famous rapper enjoying his own company on what seemed to be a private airplane? If not, revisit this article from the Straight’s February archives: “If Drake is indeed jacking the beanstalk in a leaked NSFW video, he’s just become even more of a legend.”

Given all this, writing about Drake’s ongoing beef with Kendrick Lamar these past few weeks should have been fun and easy. Or at least as fun and easy as things can be when ongoing diss track potshots between the two have included allegations of poor parenting, a taste for illicit substances, and casual pedophilia. And nods to prison sex, sex offender registries, and sloppy seconds. And, a little more onside, jabs about lack of street cred, prison sex, faux Blackness, and cultural tourism.

As the great John Oliver might say, there’s a lot to unpack here, especially since the beefing between Drake and Lamar might seem like it’s new and raw—but it has actually been going on for years.  

You can form your own opinions about who’s currently been landing the better body shots, head shots, and knockout punches by starting with Lamar’s last-weekend diss track “Euphoria”. From there, work backwards on Soundcloud, starting with Drake’s double salvo of “Taylor Made Freestyle” and “Push Ups”. 

Too much to wade through? The upshot is you’ve got two mega-plantinum rappers with untold millions of dollars acting like they’re Madchild and Snak the Ripper circa 2015. (No, um, diss intended to either of the Vancouver MCs—that was one wildly entertaining, bareknuckled battle). 

Back to the present: Lamar won, just like he won the Pulitzer Prize for Music in 2018. 

Starting with Roxanne Shanté versus U.F.T.O. in the early ’80s, diss tracks have been embedded deeply into the fabric of hip-hop. And often—whether you’re talking Ice-T suggesting he didn’t want no LL Cool J in “I’m Your Pusher”, or Eminem permanently knee-capping the Insane Clown Posse in “Marshall Mathers”, most of the time it’s pretty funny. 

And then, sometimes, it escalates to the point where it’s not. Which explains why, rather than performing together as old men at next year’s Super Bowl halftime show, Tupac Shakur and the Notorious B.I.G. are currently doing drive-by shootings at each other in heaven.

Speaking of drive-by shootings, that brings us to where we’re at, here, today. 

With the Drake/Lamar feud between the two rappers at a white-heat pitch, last night there was an anything-but-funny incident at Drake’s Toronto home. Gunmen drove past his mansion—dubbed The Embassy—and fired shots, hitting a security guard in the chest and sending him to the hospital.

There has been no word as to whether Drake was home, and police haven’t commented on speculation that the shooting might be tied into the ongoing diss saga. Admittedly, the idea of Lamar or his team being in any way connected seems far-fetched. Still, the optics are bad.

Given how entertaining the war between the two rappers has been, this one was supposed to write itself, all Eiffel Towers and vigorously jacked beanstalks. Instead, for the safety of everyone, maybe it’s time Drake and Lamar started focusing their attention on someone we can all dislike, rather than each other.

Up to the plate, Kanye, preferably resplendent in your leather jogging shorts. Diddy, you’re in the batter’s circle.