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As sex scandals go, it might the closest we get to a perfect one, that somehow being appropriate considering that pretty much everything Drake touches turns to gold. Except, seemingly, his johnson.

Instagram, X, Facebook, MySpace, and Big One are all ablaze this morning with news that the rapper, producer, entrepreneur, and former Degrassi: The Next Generation star has seemingly launched an Only Fans side hustle.

In a leaked NSFW video, a man who looks suspiciously like Champagne Papi is seen lounging in bed in front of a giant mirror, iPhone in one hand and what appears to be a semi-enraged anaconda in the other. And sorry, we’re not posting it here, but trust us, it takes about one second to find it—unless you’re at work and would rather not be written up for the fourth time this month.

You know how some people are born with a pencil eraser, baby dill, fun-size Wunderbar, or broken toothpick? Let’s just say that if this is indeed Drake, he was clearly at the front of the line when God was handing out the plus-size pants pythons.

The leaked clip shows what appears to be the rapper lovingly jacking the beanstalk, looking like a man who can’t believe his good fortune. Not to mention all the money he’s made as an entertainer.

The question everyone is going to have is whether or not it’s actually Canada’s most famous export. The famous beard, which weirdly always appears to be something he’s painted on, certainly looks right, as does the hair. And in an X post by @Liutauras, streamer Aiden Ross is shown leaving a voice message for Drake, commenting, “Yeah, bro, I’m still alive bro. We was just looking at the shit. It’s like crazy bro, like god damn. You’re blessed with your voice, you’re blessed with performing, you’re blessed to be you, you’re blessed to be number one and you’re also blessed to have a fucking missile.”

According to Ross, this loving ode to another man’s penis promptly elicits eight laughing emojis from Drake. While eight eggplants, extra-large cucumbers, baby’s arms, or swinging elephant trunks might somehow have been more appropriate, that would seem to indicate that there’s some validity to the clip.

Drake has confessed in the past to enjoying making the balm man cry; go to the 35-minute mark of this classic interview with Nardwuar the Human Serviette, where he proudly announces that he’ll be spending some quality time later in the evening with a couple of newly-gifted Pam Grier DVDs. 

As for today, Drake has seemingly once again proved a being superior to 99.9 per cent of the dudes living on the planet. As if having more money than Dr. Dre, fame, perfect teeth, and an in-home basketball court isn’t enough, dude seems to possess a joy prong that would impress Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, Lexington Steele, and Long Dong Silver.

Not that he needs any more adulation, but the brilliant thing here from a career standpoint is that no one gets hurt by the video if it is in fact him.

Leaked celebrity sex videos are hardly new. Over the years we’ve seen Tommy Lee honking the boat horn (and Pamela Lee’s cervix) on video tape. Gene Simmons showing how, impossibly, to be more disgusting than Ron Jeremy in what looks like a New Jersey Holiday Inn. American heiress Paris Hilton speaking into the mic like she’s not sure its on. Vince Neil showing he’s, sadly, not exactly Tommy Lee in the endowment department. And, well, the list goes on, as a quick search on sheknows.com will confirm.

In all these cases, you’ve got two people going at it, one of whom is hornily channelling Burt Reynolds as Jack Horner in Boogie Nights, the other of whom ends up forever on the internet in a co-starring role that never goes away.

Here, we get a production shot by Drake seemingly featuring what looks like no one but Drake having what looks like a grand old time. A man and his johnson happily celebrating Palm Sunday, dubugging the hard drive, flogging the dolphin, polishing the bamboo pole, shaking hands with the milkman, and spending the night with Palmela Handerson.

The man is clearly not of this earth. And, in case there were any lingering doubts, he may have taken his biggest step yet to let the whole world know it. We are not worthy. But we are impressed.

https://twitter.com/martinangelh/status/1754866136468861251