The NHL isn’t exactly known for exciting, interesting owners. Other sports have celebrities like Will Ferrell and Will Smith, or at the very least fascinating personalities at the top of the organization like Steve Ballmer and (until his death) George Steinbrenner. In hockey, there’s Mario Lemeiux and uh, the Molson family?

That’s why it was such a breath of fresh air to see the Seattle Kraken ride into NHL expansion with Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer as one of the team’s owners.

So, in a quest to get to know both the owner of the franchise and the players the team will go into its inaugural season with, we’re going to match Bruckheimer movies to Seattle’s players. Bad dad jokes will be cracked, comparisons will be forced. And, hopefully, you’ll come away with a renewed appreciation for both Crimson Tide and Vince Dunn.

Forwards

Player: Yanni Gourde
Movie: Days of Thunder

We start off with a bit of an obvious one. Gourde was on the Kraken’s more high profile picks off the reigning Stanley Cup champion Tampa Bay Lightning. One of course hopes that Gourde’s time with Seattle won’t end in the same way as the movie’s co-stars Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s relationship, but hey, it grabbed headlines.

Player: Jared McCann
Movie: Pearl Harbor

What is Pearl Harbor if not a story about revenge? And one gets the sense that McCann still harbours (yep, intended) something of a grudge against the Vancouver Canucks for how that relationship ended.

Picked by many analysts to have something of a breakout year with the Kraken, McCann seems poised to make Canucks fans regret the Erik Gudbranson trade more than they already do—if that’s possible.

Player: Joonas Donskoi
Movie: Beverly Hills Cop

Eddie Murphy as a fish-out-of-water Detroit cop in L.A; Joonas Donskoi going from the powerhouse Colorado Avalanche to an expansion team, likely shifting from the second line in Colorado to one of the offensive centrepieces in Seattle. A fourth-round pick in the 2010 draft who has never cracked 37 points in the NHL, Donskoi has never been burdened with intense expectations, but a good amount will be expected of him in Seattle.

Player: Brandon Tanev
Movie: Crimson Tide

There is no player on this list who is a better example of the eye test vs. analytics war that plagues much of hockey discourse these days. The latter camp would have much rather preferred the Kraken take a different player off Pittsburgh’s roster (Zach Aston-Reese, perhaps). But old school hockey men love the grit and hustle of Tanev’s game.

And really Crimson Tide serves pretty well as a metaphor for that same argument, with the old school, act-on-his-instincts captain (Gene Hackman) butting heads with the more measured young officer (Denzel Washington).

Player: Jordan Eberle
Movie: Armageddon

Eberle was one of the Kraken’s flashier picks—expensive, fun, not exactly beloved by analytics experts. Just swap out analytics experts for critics and you’ve got the 1998 Bruce Willis blockbuster.

Player: Jaden Schwartz
Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean

If there is an x-factor, a wild card, a Jack Sparrow type on this roster, it is Schwartz. Long a very responsible defensive player, Schwartz has been a frustrating player to try and predict because of his incredibly streaky point production.

After scoring 57 points in 71 games in 2019-20, Schwartz tallied only 21 points in 40 games last year. If the Kraken are getting early-2000s Johnny Depp here, they’re happy. If Schwartz seems as tired as the Johnny Depp in any of the sequels, they just paid a lot of money for too much eyeliner and mediocrity.

Defencemen

Player: Mark Giordano
Movie: Top Gun: Maverick

It’s hard to resist the old vet coming back for one more ride narrative when it comes to Giordano. The former captain of the Flames is likely to wear the ‘C’ with the Kraken as well. Who will be his Goose?

Player: Adam Larsson
Movie: Top Gun

It very likely could be Larsson, as much as Alberta hockey fans will be dismayed to see the former Oiler combine with the ex-Flame. But the duo look like a solid bet to start the season as the Kraken’s number one defensive pair. And it’ll be a good one at that.

Player: Cale and Haydn Fleury
Movie: Bad Boys

The Kraken obviously would like to establish a cohesive, united locker room, and what better way to do that than draft a pair of brothers? It also doesn’t hurt that Cale and Haydn were both highly touted prospects in their day. They haven’t totally panned out yet, but why not take a swing?

And while Will Smith and Martin Lawrence weren’t blood related in Bad Boys and its sequels, they were brothers in every other sense of the word. Let’s hope that the Fleurys display the same chemistry that Smith and Lawrence oozed on screen.

Player: Vince Dunn
Movie: Coyote Ugly

The 2000 Piper Perabo-starring film is about a young woman coming out of her shell when she gets a job at a New York bar. Smart money is on Dunn to finally establish himself as an effective offensive defenceman on a nightly basis with the Kraken. He never got a great shot in St. Louis, but Dunn is going to be a sleeper in many a fantasy hockey pool this coming season.

Goaltenders

Player: Chris Driedger
Movie: Gone in 60 Seconds

He was so close. After being chosen by the Kraken in the expansion draft and then negotiating a deal with the club for three years at a $3.5 million cap hit, Driedger must have thought he was finally getting his shot at a starting role in the NHL. He even made the trip down to Seattle with some other key players to meet the city and the fans.

Then, it was gone: a week later, the Kraken chose to sign goaltender Philipp Grubauer to a six-year monolith contract.

Player: Philipp Grubauer
Movie: The Rock

This one is less about the actual content of the Sean Connery/Nicolas Cage vehicle The Rock than an assertion about what Grubauer, the Kraken’s number one goaltender, will have to be for the team to have success. Just like Marc-Andre Fleury in the Vegas Golden Knights’ first season, Grubauer will have to be rock solid with Seattle.