Too late

posted April 9th, 2024 at 9:01 PM

If I had been born a few decades earlier I would probably have learned much sooner in my life about the long term effects of childhood neglect and trauma. How being left alone to deal with fear, loneliness, and grief teaches a child that they have to be strong no matter what. So now that I’m nearing the end of my life in isolation, I understand that it didn’t have to be so lonely and difficult. If I’d known how to ask for help when I needed it, in a direct way, not with subtle hints that were dropped in the hopes that someone would understand and help me, I might have chosen partners who weren’t emotionally unavailable. Now I know that creating a suit of emotional armour might help in times of trauma to get you through it, but if you don’t learn how and when to take it off it becomes too effective at keeping other people from getting close enough to help you. I don’t even have the words anymore to express my pain to another soul, because it’s so overwhelming and I’m afraid I’d drown them. I long to be vulnerable but I’m terrified at the prospect because I feel like I’d start crying and never stop. My advice to young people is to do the work to unpack all that baggage before it’s too late. The information is all over the internet, so get going.

10 Comments

My bag overflows

Apr 10, 2024 at 8:57am

I could have written this. I agree. Unpack that baggage when you are young. Do not carry it with you for life. You may actually learn how to be vulnerable, ask for help, be authentic, have genuine friendships, not feel so lonely, and deal with your pain appropriately. Good luck with your journey OP.

"We are not Christian

Apr 10, 2024 at 9:40am

We are Human. We are not Muslim. We are Human. We are not Buddhist. We are Human. We are not Jewish. We are Human. Before we are anything. We are Human" ---- Wayne William Snellgrove, Saultraux Tribe, Fishing Lake First Nation

surely there is a man that

Apr 10, 2024 at 9:43am

wants nothing more than to comfort you.
Whom would relish the chance to be your shoulder to cry on.
A man concerned for your well being.
A man like me.

Too Late For Me

Apr 10, 2024 at 11:56am

Due to extremely abusive mom and older sisters and running away from home at 14- have spent the last 40 years alone, and was too late probably 20 years ago.
At least I never got into drinking nor drugs, kind of have a roof over my head,and no one is trying to bomb me-guess ought to be thankful for all that.
So OP hope you are thankful that you've at least had someone around...a foreign concept for myself.

Anonymous

Apr 10, 2024 at 2:36pm

This reads like a Generation X confession. There's a generation with a lit of quiet desperation.

So What's Wrong with Strength?

Apr 11, 2024 at 7:40am

There are different brands of vulnerability. Today's brand seems less about the courage to be honest and take risks and more about crocodile tears and victim-status. I am guessing you're referring to the former not the latter. Good luck to you.

Nothing

Apr 11, 2024 at 8:06pm

There’s nothing wrong with strength. It’s a requirement to get along in the world we inhabit. When it becomes a problem is when that strength keeps a person from being able to let others get close. Not feeling like it’s allowable to let yourself be weak for even a moment, or to let yourself grieve. Feeling guilty for needing help isn’t strength, it’s a trauma response.

To the “surely” guy - men have been only too willing to encourage my vulnerability, as long as it was always me being vulnerable and they got to play the hero. Men who are truly emotionally available don’t always need to be the one in charge, and they’re able to show their own vulnerability as well. I never encountered such a man.

B Diddy

Apr 11, 2024 at 8:44pm

It's cliche but hurt people hurt others.
And it's OK to be a damaged person and seek out companionship, you just need to be honest about your intentions. Fight your own instinct to damage them as well.

@Too Late #2

Apr 11, 2024 at 9:34pm

Sorry to hear, congrats for making it this far. Similar to myself but not as bad, if you are interested in experimenting with dating- go to Thailand or the Philippines.
You can easily date ladies in their late 20's and 30's and they like shy guys, maybe even awkward guys. And they don't really care how much you make, but so long as you brought in $100 a month you are treated like a king.
Tube it, and best wishes

Tool 8

Apr 16, 2024 at 12:39pm

I have been picking up the pieces and moving on all my life. If I never have to speak to another person ever again that would be fine with me. I prefer isolation to the griping tedium that seems to be the content of companionship.